it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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