my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize