enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
