Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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