I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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