if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
