im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
