mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
