Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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