Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
