The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love having hate sex.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
