Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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