i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
