my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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