Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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