dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I would fuck him just for his dog
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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