im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
