I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize