somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
