One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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