She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
