If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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