I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
