to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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