what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize