Your mouth is God's brothel.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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