My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
