Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize