She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
