you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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