My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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