i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
