And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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