he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
