so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
