I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
