So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
