and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
