He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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