I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
