I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
