We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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