Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
