that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
