Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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