I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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