If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
