so that wasnt chicken after all
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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