I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
