they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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