uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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