too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
