I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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