It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
