my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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