I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
