I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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