i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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