Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
